Hands-free? It's a dilemma

The simplest solution for off-duty hands is to never to buy anything that doesn't possess at least one pocket

Pockets … help for hands. Photograph: Alamy

There's nothing like sorting through a box of old photographs for twanging the middle-aged heartstrings, but "à la recherche du temps perdu" aside it's really interesting to see pictorial evidence of ingrained family traits that have persisted through generations. In my case, both sides of the family seem to have a particular fondness for a sturdy umbrella, a walking stick, a robust handbag or a golf club. Speaking for myself, I am at a loss without some sort of handheld implement or pockets, or even a clipboard. The problem, you see, is what does one do with one's hands when there's nothing for one's hands to do?

I know you've been there too – standing around at a party in a frock woefully devoid of pockets wondering where to put your arms. I tried several tactics in what used to be my day job: pockets (thumbs in or out?*), clutch bag (too easily dropped), folded arms (defensive), hands loosely clasped behind or in front (too royal), finger poised quizzically beneath chin while resting elbow on other arm in a half-fold-chin-prop combo (too pretentious). I have once, in a full-skirted frock, pretended to have pockets by tucking my hands into the folds and gripping a handful of fabric. Why did my mother never tell me what to do with my hands? She told me what not to do with them, which isn't the same thing at all and has left me, 40 years after her death, still expecting a swift tap between the shoulder blades to make me stand up straight, pull my shoulders back and take my hands out of my pockets - Pavlov's puppy in pigtails.

It is one of life's imponderables. My faithful well-thumbed copy ofDebrett's offers no advice and so I resort to what a psychologist would no doubt term "coping strategies". The simplest thing is to never buy anything that doesn't possess at least one pocket. I can affect a suitablefashion-y stance even when I'm 50% short in the pocket department; when 100% pocketed in a skirt, dress or jacket I can elevate that to "nonchalantly cool" and I have somewhere to stash my phone, business cards, a tissue, a pen, spare safety pins and a packet of breath mints. However … under no circumstances should this quantity of stuff be attempted in trouser pockets, which should be kept solely for hands and handkerchiefs. Hands in trouser pockets should also remain still at all times. (This applies especially to gentlemen. You know what I mean.)

A shoulder bag or a cross-body bag is a useful thing and facilitates occasional diversionary hand employment while simultaneously leaving you hands-free for other activities. Clutch bags have a tendency to leap from beneath the arm like a well-oiled mackerel and make holding a canape a very awkward business, especially if you have a glass of wine in the other hand, and I have yet to master them.

It sounds a trivial thing but knowing where to put one's hands, as it were, goes a long way towards alleviating social unease. Perhaps one of our more innovative designers could come up with the modern equivalent of a chatelaine, or some kind of feminine sporran. I know I'd buy one. Until that day I shall remain mired in my quandary and although I aspire to soignée-ness I fear it will forever elude me, which makes me very sad.

*And it's "thumbs out" by the way.